On February 24, 2022, at 3:55 a.m., Russian president Vladimir Putin, in a message to the nation, spoke of a military peculiar operation. A fewer minutes later, Russia's invasion of Ukraine began. We all woke up in a new, terrifying, war reality. The reality that continues and brings thousands of victims. It is just a year of intense fighting, heroic actions and dramatic experiences. Although no words will give back what is happening beyond our east border, we want to talk about this suffering and this courage, due to the fact that although we can do so much for those who fight and die – for freedom and peace not only of Ukraine.
War has nothing of a female in it?
Dorota: It's mostly a man's world, but war besides has a bit of a woman. And there's any of us on the front. I'm besides talking about Ukrainian girls.
Swiatlana Alexievich says that a female remembers war differently: color, smell, taste. What does this war odor like?
This war smells like dust and burning. close the front, you can odor the burning remains of buildings, materials. I don't feel blood anymore.
Are you acquainted with that smell?
I think so. I remember erstwhile they brought me 2 soldiers. I was 2 kilometers from the front line, and I was ordered to go with the first. He stepped on a mine, no limbs. I was covered in blood, and the ambulance, too. There was mud and blood everywhere.
I didn't take his shoe off, I was afraid I'd take my leg off. His parameters were dropping. I administered anesthesia, then morphine. It began to improve slightly. His scream, his blood. I was alone. It was only on the way that the Ukrainian paramedic got to me. But I did it. All I had to do was shut off reasoning and act like a robot.
When we took him to the hospital, everything was in that ambulance. The gearbox burned, but I told the driver not to stop. It worked: I drove a surviving soldier to the hospital.
What about the another guy?
They wouldn't even let me take the another 1 to the ambulance. erstwhile I put a soldier in the infirmary who walked into the mine, I saw the commander. I ran and I saw in his eyes that the another 1 had failed. He died on my commander's hands. 5 minutes before the hospital.
I helped put his body in a black bag. He was from our battalion, but from the another group. I said goodbye for us. I put the bag in. It's inactive in my head. possibly if they let us take the 2 of them... I'm inactive reasoning about it. He had a 10 percent chance of survival, but it's always the 10 percent.
Was that the hardest case?
No, there was a boy who didn't have both hands, a brain on top. He died, we didn't even get him in the ambulance. He didn't stand a chance.
You're waiting for a signal. They're calling to choice up 2 badly wounded soldiers. What are you doing?
First thing we gotta do is get out of hiding. due to the fact that all these cars are hidden in the woods, covered in branches. We request to be masked. We're in fire range, too. We're leaving and waiting in an open field for the soldiers to arrive. And then the hazard is higher too. I request to be calm. I'm just checking to see if I've got things sorted out.
Which is?
Morphine, anesthetics, bandages, peculiar dressings for gunshot wounds, turnips – basics. This is an ambulance with basic equipment, all from volunteers. Pain relief, hemorrhagic suppression – that's all I can do.
What's the journey like?
We usually have about 30 kilometres to the hospital, but we know what the roads are. It's a no-holding ride. The conditions in the ambulances are terrible. Sometimes we drive a regular pickup, then I get medicine stuffed in boxes.
Pickup's doing better in the field. Here we go. The soldier's expected to be alive, no substance what, on the way, I'll punch him with 10 bumps. The driver drives as fast as possible. Sometimes there are belts, but there's no way to fasten them. Sometimes we fly around the ambulance like that. I erstwhile denied my patient.
Do you operate mechanically? Does that mean you don't let any emotion?
In action, I act like a robot. But for the next day I'm in the ambulance waiting for a call, it's all coming back. A man of thought.
How do we deal with this?
Sometimes I gotta scream, cry. I'd gotta have no heart to turn off my emotions. But if I didn't have a heart and feelings, I wouldn't be here. I'd have a normal, peaceful life: fun, vacation.
In a man's planet like this, can you cry?
Yes, you can.
Don't they think it's a weakness?
At first I cried for my family, my children. But I kept it inside, and I didn't want anyone to see my tears. I was afraid they'd say, "She came in and cried."
Men cry, too, and they can't take it. Sometimes there's no another way. We see what they did to the soldiers, how they massacred the bodies... erstwhile civilians tell us what they did to them, the kids... We stick with them, but then a man leaves and sometimes we all have tears in our eyes.
Do you have a peculiar image in your head right now?
I remember seeing bodies in a village that was liberated from occupation: bodies of children, civilians, heads of soldiers sticking out of the ground, bound by wires. They were buried alive. And that was the worst. erstwhile I tell you this, I see everything. That's not on TV. Now I am in Poland for the 3rd time, so I see what they show.
And you see another war?
Yeah, possibly 10 percent of what's happening in Ukraine. It's like I'm somewhere else.
What do the people who lived under Russian business say?
They cry, thank you, hug us. Then no 1 hides the emotion, we all cry together. We laughter it's specified a collective cry.
These people mostly tell what the Russians did to women and young children. It's mostly rape. They even took their underwear, their pants. Sometimes the household were home, and they raped the parent in front of the children, and the children were raped in front of the family. Sometimes my parents put guns to their heads. erstwhile he was a father and wanted to defend his family, they shot him.
Often these people besides talk about destroyed homes, although material things are no longer applicable to them. The Russians take distant something more valuable – dignity. These women and children from the vending device request care.
They get it?
They don't get it unless they leave for a bigger town, a resort. Although there are plenty of people there, and doctors know – for a cure. individual with minimum training is useful at the front. These doctors don't stay in intellectual or psychiatric services.
Is the suffering of children the most affecting?
Yeah, I'm the 1 who's most upset. There's emptiness and panic in their eyes. all large bang – not necessarily rockets – reacts with fear. I saw a kid in Kharkov from an occupied village. The door was slammed, and it took a safe position, or threw itself to the ground, covering its head and ears to cover its face. Mom just said to him, "Get up, it's just a door."
And these kids respond to all louder sound. They're all about each other. There's nothing in their eyes. Sometimes they'll smile, but it's more of a vending device to pay back for toys or sweets.
That's all we can do for them. We effort to convince parents who live with children in villages close to the front to escape.
They won't move?
Different, but mostly not. We can't force them, force them into the car and drive them away. We explain to them that if 2 kilometers behind the village are Russian, it is known that Ukraine will not shoot. due to the fact that he might accidentally attack his own.
How did you get to the front?
When the war broke out in Ukraine, I worked in a company mainly with Ukrainians. Lament, despair. The production line didn't go at all that day. We started bringing their families to Poland. They came to the border, crossed it, and we delivered them. The company rented a full large house. respective or dozens of people lived there. We utilized to do fundraisers, dropouts. That's where it started.
Then I started going to the border with my sister and my brother-in-law. We have helped in exile centres, for example in Przemyśl. Everything was done there: washing floors, cooking, taking care of children, aged people. We did everything at our own expense.
My sister and I went to Ukraine erstwhile due to the fact that a Facebook girl asked if we could go get animals. It was Włodzimierz Wołyński, 15 kilometres from the border.
We just saw what was happening on the another side. We had an all inclusive option: food, coffee, tea, clothing. And on the another side, coffee and tea was a luxury. It was winter, and these people waited respective twelve hours at the border. That's erstwhile I decided I had to get more active and help.
But they didn't want you at first?
They didn't want me in 2 battalions due to the fact that they explained they didn't take women.
You didn't think I'd leave it alone?
I might have thought of it anyway, but erstwhile I went to the soldiers with help, and I asked them what they needed, what the another battalions said: only medics.
And I'm a paramedic. And I had this lamp burning in my head all the time. Clearer and clearer. I say I'll try. I besides knew that I could retreat from legions at any time without consequences.
Finally, through my connections, I reached the boy from "Azow" and through him – the commander. He called me, gave me 2 hours to pack. I had planned humanitarian aid in Zaporozh and the surrounding area. I didn't know whether to tell him. I was afraid this chance would never happen again. Finally, I said I had a week planned and no 1 would do it for me. He said, "Okay, erstwhile you get back, call me."
I did what I had to do, and the situation happened again. He called at 11:00 and said they'd be after me at 1:00. I had to shut down all the apps, the location on the phone. They took me away. I didn't really know where. I didn't find out until I got there from my friends.
What did you take with you?
I took an American uniform that I received from the Ukrainian Foundation, operating in Warsaw. I besides packed 2 pairs of pants, any T-shirts, 1 sweatshirt, a pair of shoes. I pushed the basic cosmetics and cleaning supplies: toothbrush, pads, shower gel, towel, lipstick. Not even a foundation, even though I knew it wouldn't come in handy. But I took a woman.
I besides wore bracelets that I wore as a volunteer, on the nails of a hybrid. But erstwhile the commander saw me, he said, "Don't buzz, don't shine, take it off quickly." He just let me leave the chain around my neck due to the fact that I got it from my kids.
I besides had delicate makeup. The commander didn't know how to tell me, so he said, "Poles are so beautiful that they don't gotta paint."
What's life like in a battalion like this?
That's right – you gotta wash up, eat from time to time, get somewhere to go. In the first battalion there was a shower compartment outside – a make-up made by the boys. I was walking into that shower, and the another soldier was standing there, watching me, so that the others wouldn't be watching me from above or side by side. erstwhile it was water, it was luxury.
Sometimes we usage wet wipes. We are frequently hosted in Ukrainian homes. They invite, they say, "You are for us, so come, make yourselves comfortable, live with us." If there's a toilet on that farm, we usage it. If he's not here, he goes into the woods, takes a shovel and buries himself.
If we're in position, there's guys standing, and I request to pee, I say, "Everybody, turn around and don't look." And I'm peeing, and they're all standing back. "If 1 of them turns around, I'll shoot," I laugh. due to the fact that with guns, we never part.
How can you cope in specified a manly world?
At first I had to explain everything due to the fact that there were smiles. Like men to women... That explains I'm a friend of theirs. "A friend, a colleague, a colleague," I repeat. The commander besides said if I had any unusual situations, I should study them to him. He explained to them, "You're a soldier, their friend, you're 1 team."
I was just kidding around. And that's how it worked. I kept my distance, and they knew that whatever they didn't do would do nothing. Sometimes I gotta shout, but erstwhile I start cursing in Polish, they know what it is. They're about to say, "Give me 5 minutes, it'll be cleaned up soon."
If I have anything, I'll cook. If we find any ingredients for regular pies, we do. However, we usually eat Chinese soup. erstwhile it's flooded, it's not one, it's 10 cups. People can be together here. We share the last part of bread. We should be consistent, that's the only way we can decision forward.
How did this war change you?
I've been at war since August, which is the sixth month. My attitude to life has changed. I revalued everything. I know life is the most crucial thing. Material goods: better car, clothes, luxury, trips, bars, events – all of this has ceased to matter.
I understood what Grandma utilized to say, "Don't waste food." She survived the war, too, and now that there's been a deficiency of food, I remember what she said.
Recently, we ran out of water and had to drink water from a well where Russian bodies lay 15-20 meters away. We drank this water after boiling respective times, after putting the tablets in for treatment. We didn't know how it would end. We didn't gotta eat, but we gotta drink, due to the fact that where do we get the strength?
A lot of soldiers have symptoms of PTSD?
Yeah, I can see that. There are those who haven't been home since the war started. They contact their household on the telephone if they can. any people can't take it mentally and are sent away. They get a period off the vending machine. Not to go home, but for intellectual support. specified a soldier is simply a threat to himself and to his colleagues. He's out, he's not thinking, he's got a rifle. He does unusual things. Psychic is sitting down.
What happens erstwhile a battalionmate dies?
I said goodbye to 2 friends. 1 thing I didn't get to know personally, we only contacted on the phone. I treated the another 1 like a brother, here we all talk about each other: sister, brother. We stick together. erstwhile I found out about that death, I just couldn't control myself. I couldn't control my own scream either. It was a terrible void. The man is here, and he's gone. There's besides a reflection.
Aren't you afraid for your life?
Only stupid isn't afraid. The medic is the first individual to shoot. There are 8 soldiers per lifeguard.
Going on any mission could be a one-way ticket. We're doing the best we can. One's safe, one's safe. Command doesn't send us to hell either. If they know it's very bad, we're not going. They'll send us there in a day or two. I don't let it, but fear is.
You were injured, hit in the hip.
The Russians have a pattern of shelling – in squares. I heard them shoot due to the fact that we were very close. I saw the bullet fly to 1 place, closest to us as much as he could. So I thought he'd go further now – to another place. But they hit the same thing. I jumped in the henhouse, I only got to cover my head, my eyes, but I didn't cover my ass. And I got hit in the hip. I got hit with tiny shrapnel.
Everyone's laughing right now that I dug them up myself. But erstwhile the commander found out, he had to go to the hospital. due to the fact that there could be anything in a bullet like that.
You didn't think it was time to go home?
No, due to the fact that I know there's not adequate doctors out there. If everyone wanted to go home now, the Ukrainians would be alone. We explain it this way: there's a war and that's what happens.
What did you tell the kids erstwhile you decided to go to war?
I'm at war, like brave, like dangerous, and I acted like a coward. The fact that I'm at war, my household found out from me on the phone, as shortly as I was on the scene in legions, unit, base.
Were you afraid they'd halt you?
Yeah, I was afraid they'd halt me. The first explanations were only after 83 days. I tried calling, writing. At first, these conversations didn't stick. The kids wouldn't talk to me. They blamed each other. It was a second, internal, household war. And this war was all due to me. It wasn't until later that we explained it to each another erstwhile I came on my first pass.
On the 1 hand, the children are arrogant of me, they admire me, but on the another they worry about me. And they'd alternatively I sit next to them on my ass.
Do they convince you not to go back to war?
Yeah, they're trying. They're trying to redirect me to a foundation, any association. They want me to aid another way. I'm not saying no, I'm reasoning about it. But on the another hand, I'm drawn to it all the time. Now I was besides at 3 days of training to test my skills – besides at the front. Very close, due to the fact that it was six kilometres from the Russian border. Right now, I don't know what to do. There's a large mess in my head.
Will you stay with your battalion until the end of the war?
Maybe not with this, but yes – with Ukraine to the end. I'm not stopping.
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